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A Daughter’s Struggle

April 19, 2015

Statistics states that 30% of women admit to being estranged from their mother. I think the number is higher as many women are suffering silently from having mommy issues, a traumatic past, and most times, a bad current situation with their mothers.

 

“My mother and I don’t have the best relationship or any relationship at all.”

Gasp!!

 

When admitting to not having a good, or even nonexistent, relationship with their father, people automatically understand without any question, doubt, or shock. But if someone, especially a daughter, admits to not having a great, or nonexistent, relationship with their mother, she instantly gets the side eye, a bunch of questions, and a lot of, “Well, that’s your mother, and you only get one. She carried you and birthed you.”

 This topic becomes very touchy.

Society is biased when it comes to the value of mothers and fathers in our lives. Mother's Day vs. Father's Day is a prime example. I do believe a mother, (a father too) should be honored through recognition, if for nothing else than for creating their child but more goes into parenting then conception, birth, and even supplying the physical needs!  Any woman can be a mother and carry a baby, but it takes more to be a mommy.

Yes, a lot of mothers have made many sacrifices for their children, but sometimes the sacrifice is the healthy upbringing of that child. Although many mothers do not abandon their kids physically by walking out of their lives, in some cases they  emotionally and mentally abandon their children (including adult children), and this leads to all kinds of abuse, neglect, and endangerment to that child. Sometimes, a mother’s fight for her “freedom” to live her life how she chooses, (or making an attempt to run away from her own issues) can have results that are at the cost of the bondage of her child/children.

According to the University of Georgia study, "The mother-daughter relationship has more influence on a woman's personal development than her relationship with other members of the family - and a problematic relationship with mom can have consequences throughout life."  

It has been my experience (personal and from working with other women) that this study is, in fact, true. Yes, many have daddy issues, but many have mother issues as well and sometimes, even a combination of both. I say this not to bash, but to have the truth told. The state of the strained/estranged mother and daughter relationship has to be discussed and acknowledged. If not, it will not be fixed. Ill-treatment from a mother to her daughter, especially when it starts at a young age, can have detrimental effects on the daughter’s self-esteem and identity, and she can carry this, and more, into her adulthood.

Should, and can, a daughter even try to honor the relationship that has a history of, and in many cases had been built on, a foundation of hurt, pain, anger, even abuse? A Daughter’s Struggle, A Daughter’s Success: How to Honor Yourself while in a Strained Relationship with Your Mother takes on the challenge to answer that.

You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your mothers or how she treats you.  But you can, in fact, choose what you learn from your mother (the good and bad), choose who you will be, choose what you will allow, choose how you will respond, choose how you will move on from it all, and choose how, and if, you will be defined by this. A Daughter’s Struggle, A Daughter’s Success: How to Honor Yourself While in a Strained Relationship with Your Mother is the book that will challenge your perspective so that you can take the steps necessary and be accountable for your healing with a bit of encouragement, all wrapped in tough love and sound reasoning. My only appeal to you is to come with an open heart, be willing, don’t be afraid to feel ALL of your feelings, and if you give up, try again and again.

To honor means to regard with great respect. I would also like to add my personal definition, especially in respect to this book. To honor self is to act in self-preservation. That means putting yourself first in this relationship even if sometimes you have to go through, around, in, or over your mother to do so.

A Daughter’s Struggle, A Daughter’s Success does not tell you to get over having a bad relationship with your mother (because it isn’t that easy); the book was written to SHOW YOU how to get through it, and to keep on getting through it. To honor yourself you have to reverse the way you have been thinking, feeling, and living. You also have to change how you view and accept love, and learn the difference between healthy love and dysfunctional love. Once you work on your healing, you will begin to look at your mother with different eyes, with a different heart, a healed heart. Then you can honor her how you believe you should, knowing that you cannot change your her, but you can change yourself. This change within you will, in fact, result in a change in the dynamic of the relationship.

When I did the book collaboration A Letter To My Mother: A Daughter’s Perspective, I wanted to bring into awareness this issue but with A Daughter’s Struggle, A Daughter’s Success: How to Honor Yourself while in a Strained Relationship with Your Mother, I wanted to delve deeper into the issues and offer strategies in what to do by breaking the book into three perspectives:  You, Your Mother, and Some Added Wisdom in between.

Of course, it is mostly is about you, but I wanted to get you to look at another perspective outside of yourself in your mother. And the third part is what it says, some added wisdom to throw into the mix and to take into consideration as well. Ultimately, it is your life and you have to do all the work, (as cliché as it sounds), for yourself, for your healing, and for your livelihood. What appears to be your struggle holds also your key to success.

Get your copy of A Daughter’s Struggle, A Daughter’s Success: How to Honor Yourself While in a Strained Relationship with Your Mother today!

 

 

 

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